


It's The Attention

by Laurasauras



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Attention Seeking Behaviour, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, M/M, Manipulative Albus Dumbledore, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-17
Updated: 2019-10-17
Packaged: 2020-12-21 20:54:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21062600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laurasauras/pseuds/Laurasauras
Summary: Sirius has always wanted more than what people give him. He pushes for attention, and it doesn't matter what kind. A series of glimpses into a habit he tries to restrain.





	It's The Attention

**Author's Note:**

> I honestly thought I'd moved on from Harry Potter, but Wolfstar is just not something that's easy to let go of. This is pretty heavy, so be wary of that.

Sirius is six, eyes wide as he hears his mother swear for the first time. He’s broken something, some plate thing he didn’t know was important but it was. He suddenly feels like he’s never even been seen by her. She _hates_ him, he’s _real,_ it’s the most thrilling thing that’s ever happened to him. 

*

He’s eleven and he’s sorted into Gryffindor and there’s nothing worse he could do. When the howler comes, James slaps him on the shoulder sympathetically. He’s hated and loved all at once. He needs it again.

*

It’s three weeks later when he realises he can choose to get into trouble, when he learns that James is a trouble magnet. The castle is almost impossible to navigate, even for two boys from wizarding backgrounds who are used to staircases and portraits that move and steps that need to be avoided. Sirius much more than James, whose house is more magical and twisted from the sounds of things. James manages to confidently lead them into the one section of the castle that Dumbledore warned them was out of bounds in his opening address, and they get immediately caught by Filch. 

James sits next to him and they get in trouble together. They both get detention, and back in the common room, Remus helps them catch up on their Charms homework. Peter looks at them like they’re heroes. Sirius is the centre of so many worlds. He loves it.

*

It’s third year and he’s in trouble all on his own, he hexed Regulus with a spell that should be well above his abilities and McGonagall has taken him to her office. She’s cross, but she’s cross at Sirius four times a week and her scolding feels better than his mother’s ever did. But this time she’s not yelling at him, she’s not even punishing him, or disappointed in that way that hurts because he’s let her down but it’s the best kind of hurt because she _expected better_ and who would do that? No, she’s concerned.

‘Is everything okay at home, Mr Black?’ she asks.

‘Anyone would think you cared, Professor,’ he says.

‘I do.’

It aches down to his soul. Sirius only feels alive when he’s seen. 

‘I know it can’t have been easy for you, being sorted Gryffindor,’ she says. 

‘I like being a Gryffindor.’

‘I like having you in Gryffindor. You’re a clever student and a good Chaser, though not as good as you think you are at either of those things, and you’ve cost me several weekends dealing with your nonsense. I still like having you here and I know you like being here. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t difficult.’

Sirius stares at his shoes. Then her quill. Then the portrait of a little Scotty dog snoozing. 

‘I won’t hex him again.’

McGonagall sighs. It’s the kind of sigh that reaches down into Sirius’s soul, tells him she’s close to giving up and ending the meeting. He needs to do something, to set her office on fire, anything, he can’t go back to not being real—

‘Detention, for a week. You’ll be with me. You know how it works in my house, Black, you will prove yourself useful.’

*

It’s not until fifth year that he disappoints James properly. He kisses a girl that Peter thought he was in love with, and Peter just lets him, but James punches him. It makes Sirius laugh, that he finally pushed James far enough, and James punches him again until no one is even watching anymore because it’s not fun to cheer a fight where one guy just punches the other again and again. 

James stops punching Sirius when Sirius cries, and then hugs him to his chest.

‘Why’d you do it, Pads?’ he asks.

‘I could,’ Sirius sobs.

*

In sixth year he lets them all down. 

James saves Snape, but it’s not enough. 

Remus is appalled at the close call, and can’t even hate Sirius because he’s too busy hating himself. Sirius never meant that, couldn’t have meant that, Remus should never, ever be hated by anyone, especially not himself. 

James can’t even look at Sirius, he’s so angry with him. Sirius sleeps on the couch out of penance, but it makes no difference. Peter can’t choose between James and Sirius, so he stays completely silent. 

Dumbledore stares at Sirius for a long time, when he finally calls him into his office. In six years of testing the schools rules to the absolute limits, Sirius had never needed to go further than McGonagall’s office, even if Dumbledore had occasionally sat in. 

‘Why?’ he asks simply, after forcing Sirius in sit in silent judgement for the longest ten minutes of his life. 

‘I don’t know,’ Sirius says.

‘Try again,’ Dumbledore says, and there’s ice in his voice. 

Sirius has thought before that his mother might actually kill him. He’s stared down the muzzle of a wolf and known he didn’t have space to run, had no idea whether Prongs would be there in time. He’s stood on the top of the astronomy tower, he’s walked in the deepest parts of the forest, he’s dueled Slytherins with two years of education on him and family histories full of nasty spells passed down.

He thinks he’s more scared of Dumbledore than he has been of anyone.

‘I’ve been disinherited,’ he blurts.

‘Severus Snape did not disinherit you.’

‘I was angry,’ Sirius says. ‘I know it’s not good enough, but I was angry and he was there and he’s talking about how he wants to join _them_ and it’s like you don’t even hear it! Do you seriously not see what’s happening? Or is that worse, if you see it and you just let them do it anyway? They’re practicing torture on first years and they’re equating Slytherin with Death Eater and there’s no getting out of it for them, a quarter of the school, every year, automatically going to them! And I didn’t even do it because of that but it was just the last thing on top of too many shitty things, and I just _could.’_

Dumbledore looks at Sirius for a long while, as Sirius stops panting and blinks away the tears that had been threatening. When he’s recovered to a state of something approaching peace, Sirius stares at his shoes and waits.

‘Severus has agreed to keep Remus’s secret. Everyone involved is shocked, but unharmed.’ Dumbledore pauses for long enough that Sirius forces himself to look up and meet his eyes. ‘I would like to hear what you think an adequate punishment for your actions should be.’

Sirius’s eyes widen. He doesn’t know what to say. He’s fucked up, beyond anything he can repay. He should probably be expelled. But he literally has nowhere to go. He might have taken Muggle Studies, but he has no money, he has no family, without the wizarding world, without his NEWTs … Even if he was only suspended he’d have no fare for the train and no place to go. 

He’s spent as much time at James’s house over the holidays as he could, but James isn’t speaking to him. In a week, he’s burnt all his bridges. He’s been testing them for years, and now they're gone. 

‘I don’t know,’ Sirius chokes. 

He drops his eyes from Dumbledore’s. He’s always had the disquieting suspicion that he can read minds.

‘Sirius, you’re right. There’s something coming. And I will need someone who is as talented as you on our side. If I forgive this, will you repay that debt? Without question?’

Sirius looks up again. He nods.

*

James and Lily are moving in together. Sirius is going back to the Potters’ alone. He’s testy and he’s been picking fights with anyone within his eyesight for the month and a half he’s had to process this information. 

But a week before he graduates, Sirius picks a fight with Remus. 

‘Sirius, do you think he’ll want to be your best friend if this is what your company is like?’ Remus snaps.

‘You’re jealous!’ Sirius yells. ‘You and Peter, you never were like me and James, and now you’re glad he’s leaving me because I’m finally just as low as you!’

Remus shakes his head and leaves the room and Sirius kicks the trunk he was supposed to be packing. He falls onto his bed, face first, and screams into his pillow. 

He doesn’t hear the door open again, so he jumps when he feels Remus’s hand between his shoulders. He turns around and glares up at him. Remus sits on his bed, not remotely intimidated.

‘I know you, Sirius,’ Remus says. ‘I know you do this. I know shouting at you is attention, just as much as loving you is.’ Remus pushes Sirius’s shoulder so that there’s room on the bed for them to lie on their backs, side by side. ‘You’re such a puppy, you know? You’re so clever, you know what’s right, but you still chew our shoes because attention is attention.’

‘I’m not a puppy,’ Sirius sulks. He loves it. He loves being their dog. He loves being walked and playing fetch and being allowed to sleep at the ends of their beds. They wrestle him and let him lick their faces when he’s Padfoot, and it makes them laugh and hug him close. 

‘I know it sucks,’ Remus says. ‘And I don’t think you could push James away, even with how good you are at acting like a complete and utter prat. But don’t make it a chore for him to visit you. Trust us to keep loving you.’

Sirius turns his head and Remus turns his. Sirius doesn’t think before he kisses Remus, it’s the most obvious thing in the world to lean in and touch their lips together. For a brief, beautiful second, something feels right in his heart that has always hungered for more.

And then Remus punches him. 

Remus stands and looks down at Sirius, more angry than he’s ever seen him, shaking with it. Sirius counts the days til the moon in his head, but that’s not it. This is all Sirius. 

‘You do _not_ get to use me like that,’ Remus says. ‘Find another way to get some attention, that is just _cruel,_ Sirius.’

When Remus leaves, Sirius has an hour long shower and then apologises to James. He promises himself he’s not going to act out anymore. 

*

Sirius isn’t sure how the history books get such precise dates on when wars start, or whether the war is happening right now, but he does know that he owes Dumbledore and the hugs he gets from Lily when he and James return from dangerous missions are just as good as the scoldings they used to get from stupid pranks.

He moves out from the Potters’ and into his own flat, because he needs a place he can ward properly and his uncle left him a decent inheritance. He gets a fish, and Remus crashes on his couch when he’s in London. He doesn’t kiss him again, even though he wants it more than anything. 

It’s baffling, not being wanted by someone, but Remus drew a line, and much as he might chew shoes, even now, even though he’s better, _really,_ he can’t quite disobey such a clear order. He wants someone, but someones are no ones at a time like this. He wants that feeling again, that second of peace he had before Remus stopped him. 

It doesn’t work like that, though, and it doesn’t matter who he fucks or how dangerous his missions are or how warmly his family, his _real_ family, hug him, he never stops wanting so much more than he has ever managed to get. 

He watches Remus rearrange his tea cabinet, an ongoing battle of the most efficient storage between the two of them that would be inappropriate for any other guest to wage, looks around at how many of Remus’s things are in his flat, and blurts, ‘Would you just move in already?’

It takes an almighty fight, the kind Sirius tries not to enjoy, the kind where he’s so the focus of Remus’s world it takes his breath away, but Remus does agree. It doesn’t change anything. Dumbledore sends both of them away so frequently, and they both have unshakeable debts around their ankles. But it’s nice, knowing that home is shared, even when it doesn’t seem that way. 

*

He makes a very honest attempt at committing the crime he will eventually go to Azkaban for, but Pettigrew is too fast for him. He never saw _that_ coming. Pettigrew kills half the Muggles around them, shouting his accusation, and then fakes his death. When the Aurors come, all Sirius can do is laugh. He finally got into the worst trouble anybody could get into, and he didn’t even do it. 

He laughs because he’ll never see his best friend again, because he had the chance to be a godfather and he chased revenge rather than Hagrid and his home will be seized and Remus will be homeless, again. 

He laughs because he thought Remus was the spy, thought that he’d been corrupted on one of the missions he was forbidden to talk about even with Sirius, thought that the tension in their once home was because he’d turned. 

He laughs because Dumbledore isn’t going to get him out of this one. And he’s right. There’s not even a trial.

*

Harry looks so much like James. Sirius scares him every time Harry sees him as Padfoot, and he’s clever enough to go unseen, but he can’t help it. It’s not enough for him to see Harry, he has to be seen too, he has to know he’s real again. Twelve years and he’s not sure if he died and this is James’s ghost, younger in death and afraid of the man he thinks betrayed him. 

*

In the space of three hours, Sirius finds Pettigrew, reunites with Remus, is accepted by Harry as his godfather, and is nearly killed by Dementors. His name is not cleared. Remus is fired. He can’t take Harry home. 

But he’s free. And the hole that once ached in his heart pales in comparison to what he’s been through. He flies Buckbeak to warm places and sends Harry and Remus letters using the most extravagant birds he can find. He wants them to know he’s free too, to feel the sand under his toes in the bright plumage that accompanies his words. 

He has so much catching up to do. Harry tells him that he’s faced Voldemort twice more since he arrived at Hogwarts and it takes all of Sirius’s little-practiced self control to stay away, to keep himself from sleeping on his doorstep in Surrey. Remus tells him about the jobs he’s had and lost, about the difference Wolfsbane made and how he’s back to using all his money on a basement he can’t break out of instead of expensive potions. 

Sirius sometimes thinks he should be locked up. It’d be easier to keep from running back to England if he was forced to stay put. 

*

When Harry’s entered in the Triwizard Tournament, nothing can keep Sirius away. He can never repay the debt he owes to Dumbledore, but James’s son has been entered into an impossible competition and the Dark Mark has been flown openly in the sky. He will do anything to be within reach of Harry. 

Dumbledore puts it to the test. The cave Sirius lives in is not natural, but it’s the only concession Dumbledore will allow. There isn’t any other way, and Sirius will not disgrace himself by asking for food or any other accommodations. Harry and his friends don’t need to be asked. He’s so much like James.

*

Sirius never thought he’d enter this house again. Remus is strong and warm by his side as he unlocks the door with a tap of his new wand. Sirius thinks about the home they had together sometimes, but he’s older now. It’s a different war. 

They step into the house, and Sirius is glad to have someone at his back when the many dark curses on the house prove to care as much for Sirius’s inheritance as his parents did. The house is technically his. But it doesn’t like it. 

Sirius and Remus battle the worst of it alone, because Sirius couldn’t bare anyone else seeing this, and a day later reinforcements arrive. The house is full of Weasleys, and then more of the Order come in in fits and bursts. They take care of the bedrooms first, so they don’t have to all pile into the two that Remus and Sirius cleared that first day, and Sirius is unreasonably disappointed when they do a good enough job Remus can have his own room. 

*

The hole in Sirius’s heart returns when the kids leave for school and Molly and Arthur leave back to their own home. Other Order members continue to use Grimmauld Place as a rest stop, but it’s a horrible place to stay, clearly a last resort. Only Remus stays willingly, and his missions are just as time consuming this time as last time. 

One time he’s gone for four months, as long as he was gone last time, when Sirius had started to doubt and and when everything went wrong. When he returns, Sirius holds him close and decides he’s never going to let go. Remus lets him hug him for far longer than a respectable Englishman should, but they’ve neither of them ever been one of those. 

Sirius clings to him all evening, and when Remus goes to enter the room set aside for him, Sirius holds the door handle to keep it closed and kisses Remus against the peeling paint. 

Remus doesn’t punch him this time. He’s grown up too, despite it always feeling like he was already there. He pushes Sirius away firmly.

‘I know you’re lonely,’ he says, ‘but it’s not a good enough reason.’

‘Is it because I’m a man?’ Sirius asks.

Remus looks at him like he’s insane. 

‘I know Azkaban … I know I’m not what I was …’ Sirius says. 

‘Neither of us look our age,’ Remus says. ‘It’s not that.’

‘I wish you’d give me more than one kiss before deciding you can’t love me!’ Sirius says, and it’s hard, so hard being in this house and not kicking down the walls. He glares at a light fitting instead of Remus, because he doesn’t pick fights anymore, not unless someone’s asking for it, not the way he did as a kid at Hogwarts, but he doesn’t know how not to fight over this. It deserves fighting for.

‘Sirius, I’ve loved you for almost two decades now and I’m perfectly capable of continuing to love you, but if you refuse to see that, sticking your tongue in my mouth when you feel abandoned is not going to help anything.’

Sirius walks away from a fight for the first time because he doesn’t want this kind. Remus always said he knew him. He hates that that’s not true. He doesn’t know how to make it true.

*

The missions seem to relax a little. Remus has made as much progress as he’s going to with the werewolves, most of them are a lost cause but some have joined the Order and Dumbledore has stopped throwing Remus into packs that have already declared for Voldemort. Now Remus just takes shifts guarding the prophecy, and he stays at Grimmauld Place because he has nowhere else to go.

Snape reluctantly resumes making him Wolfsbane, and once a month Padfoot and a tame wolf curl up together on Remus’s bed. 

Sirius finds other ways to show Remus he loves him. He makes him tea. He lets him take first shower. He bickers with him over nothing. He starts to ache in the easy way of youth again, and it’s harder to keep his impulses in without that crust he grew in Azkaban. Remus is healing him and it’s going to be the death of him.

*

The house is so full at Christmas, Remus is left with the option of sharing a room with Mundungus Fletcher or Sirius. It’s not as jolly as it might have been, Arthur is still recovering, but the house is full and Sirius feels _alive._

Remus conjures a second bed for Sirius’s room, and Sirius doesn’t push it. They talk every night until the early hours of the morning, laughing like teenagers and yawning like the old men they feel like. Sirius feels less old every day. He has Remus and he has Harry and his house is full of love like it never was when he was a child.

He falls into his old ways, the day before everyone leaves. He tries not to, he never wants to push Harry away like he did James, the love between them is fragile and new and he’d die for that child a thousand times. But he was never that good at lying, and he can’t force himself into the almost manic cheer that he felt for most of the holidays. 

It hurts, Harry leaving. He begs Remus not to go back to his old room. Remus looks at him with eyes that repeat the same thing they always do. He isn’t something to be used to cope with abandonment. Sirius doesn’t know how to show him otherwise.

*

Sirius finds the answer in his bedroom. Funny, the things he’s forgotten he owned. He takes the old parchment to Remus and hands it to him with a cup of tea, and then watches. When he was 17, he would have fidgeted the whole time. He’s in his 30s now, and he can be still. 

‘Is this a love letter?’ Remus asks.

‘Yes,’ Sirius says.

‘To me?’

‘Yes.’

Remus stares at the parchment. Sirius watches his eyes move as they follow the words. He almost wishes he’d gotten Remus his glasses first, he loves Remus in his glasses. He wishes he could have seen Remus teach with elbow patches and so much enthusiasm for learning. Maybe he will someday.

‘When is this from?’

‘Well, I was kicked out when I was 16,’ Sirius says. ‘So sometime before then, but not by long I shouldn’t think.’

‘You … This has to have been your idea of a joke.’

‘Remus,’ Sirius says. Always Remus now, their gang is broken up and Sirius likes the sound of Remus’s real name in his mouth. ‘I’ve been trying to tell you I love you since we were kids.’

‘We all loved each other—’

‘Will you just _let me love you?’_

Remus puts the paper down. He looks like he’s pressed into his armchair by more gravity than is holding Sirius. He looks like he’s completely and utterly floored. How could he have not seen this coming?

‘You want to what, be my boyfriend?’

The word is a ridiculous descriptor. They’re men, they’ve known each other for longer than they haven’t, they already love each other in a deeper way than can be touched by labels. 

‘Remus, I always want more than what other people can give me. Except with you. If you don’t want me, I’ll stop pushing it, but there’s a war on and I’ve wasted so much time already. We’re practically partners already, you live here, we bought Harry’s Christmas present together, we’re _us.’_

‘Sirius, I’ve never had your kind of self confidence, but that doesn’t mean I can be satisfied with … I know you’re lonely, I know I’m the only one here. But just because it’s me or Dung …’

‘It’s not you or Dung!’ Sirius says, grabbing at his hair. ‘It’s not you or anybody! It’s just _you,_ how many times do we have to have this fight, you’re not a consolation prize, Remus!’

As Sirius stares into Remus’s eyes, willing him to see, he realises that Remus does think that. He thinks Sirius would have rathered he die than James. He thinks Sirius lights up when he sees Harry because it’s almost like having James again.

‘Remus, if I was free, if I was …’ He gestures down at himself. He no longer resembles a skeleton, his hair is no longer matted, but he’s not the Sirius Black he was at Hogwarts. His steps are heavier, he wears vests instead of leather jackets, he might be in his 30s but he feels _old._ ‘If I could walk out there and fall in love with anybody, it wouldn’t do any good, my heart is _yours.’_

Remus looks down at the letter. He looks older than he is too, grey in his temples and dark shadows under his eyes. 

‘I need time to think.’

‘I’m yours, Moons.’

Sirius presses a kiss to Remus’s hair before he leaves. It feels natural. 

*

Remus follows Sirius into his bedroom that night.

‘Really?’ Sirius asks.

‘Well, we could all die tomorrow.’

Sirius laughs at Remus’s wry humour and feels his soul settle as he kisses him and is finally accepted. 

*

It doesn’t stop Sirius from feeling stir-crazy, though Remus walks Padfoot to the park sometimes, muttering about how much trouble they’d be in if Dumbledore found out. Sometimes love isn’t enough to keep Sirius from having low days, low weeks where the confines of his childhood home feel as bad as the confines of Azkaban and he hates, hates everything as violently as he can.

But there are shared cups of tea, they read together in armchairs close enough to be able to show each other sentences, they keep their kisses in their bedroom where someone from the Order won’t floo in unexpectedly.

They hear from Harry, asking about James, and crouch on the kitchen floor together to answer his questions. Harry’s confused and righteously angry in a way that Sirius thinks is James, but Remus insists is Lily. But they can talk about their friend and the sting of missing him is sweetened by the memories. He used to ruffle his hair, trying to look good for the girls. 

Remus puts his hand on Sirius’s back as they talk to Harry, as if he’s steadying himself, and Sirius smiles wider. When Harry leaves, he hugs Remus as tightly as he can.

‘I wonder why he didn’t use the mirror,’ Sirius says once he’s gotten over the delight of everything.

‘That mirror is so against Hogwarts policy, Sirius,’ Remus sighs. ‘Though so is breaking into a teacher’s office to steal their fireplace. Do you think he chose the one more likely to get himself into trouble?’

‘That’s our boy,’ Sirius says. Remus smiles at him with something like wonder. 

‘Ours?’

Sirius can see it all. Harry coming here every holiday, until the war is done and his name is cleared and he and Remus find somewhere better and set this fucking place on fire. Somewhere north, Remus would like that. And Harry will visit every weekend, just like they used to with the Potters before everything went to shit. 

‘He’s so like James,’ Sirius grins. ‘I wish we were there with him. Imagine the pranks we could pull now.’

Remus tries not to smile and Sirius decides that one kiss in the kitchen won’t hurt.

*

He can’t be left at home. Not while Harry is in danger. Remus only barely tries to dissuade him. He understands.

He’s laughing when he dies, because he’s felt invincible most of his life but never so much as now, with Remus and Harry fighting beside him.


End file.
